I've Slept With 99 People -- Why I'm Looking for The 100 and Feel No Shame At All !

 on Tuesday, 19 April 2016  


Well, I'm just going to come right out and say it. According to the creepy (and confidential) Excel spreadsheet I keep that documents my sex life, I've slept with 99 people. The vast majority of these people (let's call it 97%) were men.

Women who slept with 100 people

I can see it now; my life as a dark romantic '90s comedy. Young woman tallies 99 sexual partners, decides that's "too many" partners, and saves herself for #100, and a knight in shining armor arrives. He is the hundredth mate, and he is her mate for life.
My life is not a problematically sex-negative and sexist movie plot like the above, but when I realized my "number" had reached 99, I can't say that I didn’t think about slowing my roll.
I've read so many articles that try to dispel the notion that one's number of sexual partners doesn't matter, but they all fail miserably. I recently read a piece that interviewed 10 women, and nobody had a count over 40. I personally believe that you can sleep with 0 people or a million people, and that's all fine with me as long as everything is safe and consensual. But I found that this article actually propelled the social construct of there being a limit on the number of people a person can sleep with.
Don't even get me started on how a woman with 99 partners is treated in comparison to a man. 
While I look down upon the slut-shaming of anyone regardless of gender, let's be real; society was built upon texts that encourage — no, REQUIRE — women to be virgins until marriage if they want to be valued by society. A slutty man can earn his keep in the world, while a slutty woman is diseased, tainted, loose and immoral.
I could go on for ages about gender-identity and sexual promiscuity, but I'm just going to universally advocate for people of all genders who have slept with a quantity of people that elicits slut-shaming.
Do I regret sleeping with as many people as I have?

No, not one bit. While I don't need to provide an explanation or justification for my number being 99, I'm going to dissect my sexual past.
Many of these partners were the result of one night stands or short-lived flings during ages 19-21. That's really when most of the count accrued. I've been sexually active for 8 years, so that's a little more than 12 partners per year on average, or one partner per month, although I'd say over half of my count can be attributed to that fling-filled period of my life. I've never been in a long term relationship, either, so surely that contributes to my "number" as well.
I dunno. I kept track, because I like to be able to gaze at the list and recall all my awesome, sexy memories. I don't want to forget anyone, even the shitheads.
When I write educational sex articles, I often find that the very notion that I even HAVE sex causes people to jump to calling me names. I get "slut" and "whore" a lot, and people often like to attribute my sexuality to needing a therapist and having daddy issues. Nah guys, I just like having sex — a LOT!
Am I a "nymphomaniac?" No. Merriam-Webster defines the term as "exhibiting unusual or excessive concern with or indulgence in sexual activity," and in my opinion, that is a very relative term. What's unusual to one person is another person's "normal." I actually have a shitload of very vanilla sex. I'm all about the missionary position.
The definition also connotes an unhealthy approach to sexuality, and "nymphomaniac" is actually considered a clinical diagnosis even. I feel that I approach sex with a very healthy mindset, constantly check-in with myself and assess my actions. Of all my years (over a decade) in therapy, I have never had a therapist tell me that there was anything wrong with my sexual behavior. Maybe I just picked smart therapists!
Am I "loose?" Well, first of all, I've already discussed how one cannot become "loose" from too much sex. Also, fuck that terminology. Let's just say that I can masturbate with dildos that have a very thin diameter, and it's a nice, snug fit.
Everyone's body is different in what shapes and sizes feel good for them, and it has nothing to do with someone's sexual past.
Am I "diseased?" Well, I mean I had gonorrhea once, and that's actually an STI you can get without ever being penetrated. Other than that, nope, nothing. This is surely due to the fact that I am a safe sex nazi, but you can have sex literally one time and get any STI under the sun.
STIs are also not a big fucking deal as long as you are aware of how to manage your STI and are honest with your partners. I'm absolutely sick of hearing people say things like, "Oh man, watch out for so-and-so, they're crawling with disease," because A. You have no idea what the fuck their medical history is, nor are you entitled to know, B. So what 1 in 5 adults has HSV and according the CDC "nearly all sexually active adults will get HPV in their lifetime" so … shut up, and C. Gossiping about people in this manner only shows how insecure and judgmental you are. Whew, end rant.
I'm ready for you, #100. 
I have jokingly begun using the hashtag #lookingformyhundo, as well.
Except when I think about it, I've never really counted myself as a sexual partner, and oh boy, I really do the best job out of everyone. Maybe I'm the man of my dreams. Maybe #100 should actually just be… me.
Be proud of your "number," whatever it is, even if you have no idea what it is (it really means nothing, anyway.)
Zoe is a sex educator and artist in NYC. She holds a BS in psychology from Fordham University and aspires to further pursue the study of human sexuality. Follow her on Tumblr.



I've Slept With 99 People -- Why I'm Looking for The 100 and Feel No Shame At All ! 4.5 5 SEEKER Tuesday, 19 April 2016 Well, I'm just going to come right out and say it.  According to the creepy (and confidential) Excel spreadsheet I keep that documents  ...

17 comments:

  1. looking like that i can't imagine finding a 100th would be too difficult, just sayin..

    If you lived in a small town I can kind-of see how finding a 10,000th could be tricky, but not too tricky, really..

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  2. Could someone who has been that promiscuous suddenly be able to commit to a monogamous relationship just because it is number 100?

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  3. Who the fuck cares what the fuck you do or have done?

    I'll cue you off - shut the fuck up.

    I'm not judging your behaviors - you're just a fucking loser for going to the profound length you have to document your sex life when, to be honest, I (and most others) REALLY DON'T GIVE A SHIT. ;-)

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  4. You can sleep with a million if it makes you happy. It doesn't make you a slut, or a bad person.

    If you truly think your chances of contracting an STD don't go up with a large number of sexual partners, I would highly suggest doing some more research. Condoms are great, but not perfect and many STD's can be spread through oral.

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  5. Replies
    1. And you're a pathetic troll. So it all levels out in the end.

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  6. The 100 is on The CW. There solved it for you.

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  7. Perfect person to ask. So DOES size matter?

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  8. Someone criticized you for documenting your sex life... I say to them that since it's your career, it's sensible to document it.

    Honestly the sexual experience you have should make you the next Dr Ruth, and damned if that woman didn't intimidate the shit out of me.

    I imagine that you probably have the most solid and realistic ideal for what a sexual partner should be, and I imagine it's evolved over time.

    That would make a great article.

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  9. I say this having absolutely no issues with sex and high number of sexual partners. I personally don't even know how many people I've slept with.

    BUT STI's ARE a big deal. Many of them aren't, but things like HPV are. Many people get it and clear it, but MANY people also get cervical, rectal, and throat cancers from it. It's a big deal to THEM once they get cancer.

    Countless others have also gotten AIDS. That's a life-long big deal.

    Getting Herpes might not be as bad as those, but would really really suck to experience the pain that goes with it, as well as psychological trauma. And having to tell you partners you have it for the rest of your life (and getting flare-ups despite taking medication).

    Additionally, there's growing trend of antibiotic resistant STI's that's only going to get worse. When you get that, you're really in trouble.

    I think you're over compensating a little bit trying to prove that being sexually comfortable isn't a big deal (which it isn't), but don't do it at the expense of misinformation that people are going to read and get in their minds about a serious issue.

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  10. "....a slutty woman is diseased, tainted, loose and immoral."

    Yes, that accurately sums it up. The lady I'm courting is a virgin and I cherish her with everything in my soul. Although I'm pushing 50 and you're young and fairly attractive, I could NEVER RESPECT much less cherish someone like you....what DECENT man would? ......none.

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    Replies
    1. Tizok, I'm trying to relate to your comment... but I just can't. I think the reason men think this way is because THEY'D like to have her untainted due to some insecurity thing, so they can seem novel and amazing and unique to the woman. Like if she's experienced other men, she might not find you mindblowing. Like if being with other men somehow changes who she is.

      You could cherish someone who's been with 100 men, just as much, if you felt like doing so. You'd have to actually be cherishing her, her ability to love, how interesting, smart, beautiful, honest, etc she is... rather than because a man hasn't had her before. That says more about you than about her.

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  12. Even completely ignoring the purely biological considerations here (pregnancy and STDs, including the ones that stay dormant most of the time and aren't particularly harmful but also aren't pretty and aren'f treatable and you collect like Pokemon without even realizing it) this is an extremelu toxic ideology to promote. If you sleep with anywhere near that many people, Idgaf if you're a man, woman, or nonbinary unicorn or whatever, those aren't all gonna be good or well-considered encounters. In fact I know they weren't, because you write you probably do "the best job out of anyone" which really means, parsimoniously, that you're the one with the problem, not everyone else whom you allow yourself to feel disappointed by. That's very typical of women based on the many that I've talked to in depth as a gay man: they act as though they were doing as much of the work in sex as men—if not more—and that their failure to get off or enjoy it is in fact the man's failure, and they say this for every man. But guess what, princess? You're the only common denominator in these encounters, so if there's always a problem I think I can guess who's causing it.

    Anyway, if you don't feel ashamed of some of them you're not "empowered"; you're a child who thinks she's better than everyone no matter what you do. It means you're INCAPABLE of feeling shame, which means you secretly don't feel responsible for any of your choices.

    Bottom line: people act like it'd kill them to feel a bit of shame these days. Like it's not the end of the world ffs. It's possible for women to make mistakes, contrary to popular belief—their belief—and I guarantee you've made many, many mistakes in your sexual behavior, as have I. Lying to yourself is one thing—I think MOST of us have to from time to time—but telling people, including impressionable kids who are reading this, that it is possible to get away with acting however they please without experiencing any negative physical or psychological consequences, is irresponsible.

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    1. By saying she does the best job out of anyone, she's not putting men down. She didn't say they leave her dissatisfied or anything negative (I'm familiar with the conversations from women that you make reference too). I think people realize that's a reference to how in the end you know yourself the best, sexually. Nothing wrong with a passing line comment on that. She might be the common denominator, but as best I can tell, it's all positive.

      She didn't go on about being empowered. She simply doesn't feel shame about the *number*. (Doesn't mean she doesn't feel shame about some specific instances.) Lack of shame about something doesn't mean one is incapable of feeling shame (lot of flawed logic here).

      Some people are crazy aggressive about hobbies/interests. Some love playing street basketball or working out or collecting/painting toy figurines. Lack of shame for having so many action figures doesn't mean anything wrong, if you don't see anything inherently wrong with collecting action figures. (Doesn't mean you don't feel shame from other things or even from once stealing an action figure, or some other related shameful act).

      Yes, people do have this rebellion against shame going on these days. Most of it is with good reason, though. It's this realization of how much what what we feel shame for is society-induced. Women often are made to feel shame for simply having a one-night stand, ONE TIME, with someone they had a great time with. Guys rarely feel that shame ONE time for doing that. Why the difference? Because it's society-induced. There's nothing inherently wrong having sex.

      Remember, she's not out there night after night, wasted at bars. Maybe during her 19-21 when a large chunk happened, but since then it's less than one a month. I'm sure she meets one reasonable non-shady guy a month who she clicks with for a single or short-term hookup.


      I know you thought this out a bit, but most of what you wrote is bringing in other issues (or possibly baggage you've encountered in other women). But she doesn't.


      *The one exception is STI's (refer to a reply above where I admonish her for implying they're not a big deal).

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  13. Mentally unstable woman who is obviously in denial about her clinical mental illness. You're literally sick. The fact that you deny it is the biggest flag. You try to normalize and justify degeneracy and dangerous actions, which is totally just circling around to the fact that you're unwell. Please, get help!!!

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